PREFACE
A note from the author
I spent the majority of my life going in and out of
youth detention centers and adult prisons.
I was addicted to everything and anything that altered my mind including
the self image I had of myself as trouble. I had never thought of myself as
being anything else. That was my identity.
I had my first son at 16 years old and my second son
by the time I was 18. My first daughter
was born when I was 28, my second daughter at 30 and my youngest daughter at
35. They were all healthy, amazing
babies. I loved them all so much but I hated myself so badly that I was not
able to care for even myself, and I certainly was not able to give my children
the upbringing they deserved. Instead
they were raised by my Mother, I have always been grateful that my children didn’t
have to experience foster homes or youth detention centers.
From the time I was 18 years old I spent years
feeding my addictions and trying to get rid of them at the same time, in all
fairness I didn’t put up much of a fight, it was all I knew.. I finally realized that it wasn’t my
addictions that were the problem, it was everything about me. My addictions
we’re just signs of how I felt about myself inside.
One day in 2003 while sitting in a federal
penitentiary I started to ask myself some serious questions about me for the
first time. Why did I always hurt the ones I loved so much? Why did I make the choices I did? Why was I
so out of control? Will I ever
change? Is this how I am going to die?
With these questions came more questions that if
desperately wanted answers to, I knew at that moment i had nowhere else to
turn, I had to go inside myself to find out. Somehow i knew i was the only one
who could answer them. But, I didn't
have a clue who I was, so out of curiosity I walked to the mirror, locked the
door so I would not be interrupted, I looked myself in the eyes, I mean I
really, really looked into my eyes, with tears streaming down my face, I said “
Hello” to myself for the first time in my life.
What I found was a little girl who seemed to of been patiently waiting
for this moment all of her life.
I did not spend my life in a classroom studying
addictions; I lived it, every day of my life for over 32 years. I started
writing my life story (autobiography) in 2003.
Many hundreds of hours were spent trying to remember my upbringing so
that I could understand what had happened to me and why I was living the way I
did. I knew back then that I was going
to write a book, I knew the book would help thousands of people around the
world. I now see that it was simply not
the right time for that to come together all those years ago. I still had some experiences to go through
before I arrived at the moment that was right.
One
afternoon in February 2016 I was resting in bed, I heard a loud voice inside my
head say "get up and write your book.”
I had not thought about my book in several years... I tried to doze off again but I was awakened
again, with the strong impulse to get up and start writing my story. That moment on February 23rd 2016, I started
from the beginning writing my life story.
Some days I passed 12 hours writing.
Today is March 24th 2016, a month and a day later; I have the first
draft of my autobiography almost completed.
The days flew by effortlessly, my story just poured out onto the
pages. I just realized while writing
that February 23rd 2014 was the last day that i used drugs.
I no longer give my past any power over my life
today, my past no longer controls my present life. I do not think I had the worst upbringing, I
know many, many people who had it 100 times worse than I did... I am not
writing this book with a feeling of self-pity.
Nor am I after your sympathy, I don’t need it. I don't see my past as a
good or bad experience, it is just my past, a string of past experiences, that
we're all necessary for me to reach the understanding i have today in the
present moment.
Through time I have learn to understand my
Mother. I often followed in my father's
footsteps along many paths. Now I
understand that if they would've known how to be better parents they would of.
I needed to
learn my lessons, in just the way I learned them, I now see that they were the
perfect parents to help me on the journey of my life. I understood that only after I had made some
horrendous mistakes as a parent myself.
We made it through some hard times together. I can honestly say My Mother is my best
friend today; she has been the most amazing Mother to me. We come from a long line of child abuse and
neglect. You can only give what you
have to give.
I don’t want to make this about me, cause to me it's not,
this book is being written for every
parent who is struggling inside
themselves ( with whatever self made obstacles they have) to become an amazing parent and for all the
children who have to deal with us.
Today
I have a house full of people I love and who love me only because I changed. I
am blessed to be able to offer 4 of my 5 children a place to live, I am able to
spend my days repairing the damage I did to them. My youngest daughter is living in Quebec with
her Father, we dream of the day she is able to join us again. I am living out my dreams; I am taking care
of myself and going the extra mile. I
don't just want to get through life clean and sober, I want to fulfill my
dreams of helping other people struggling with their addictions, whether it's
an addiction to low life thinking, poor self image, poverty, addiction to a
personal identity that is stopping you from the greatness you are, or
addictions to drugs and alcohol. I lived
what I lived so that I can help others through their addictions whatever they
are. I’ve experienced them all.
Change
is not easy, most of us only dream about change, and even more have no idea
what change even is.
So with that said i would like to introduce
myself to you through the reading of my
story , An Autobiography of my life as I
saw it...written by Tammy-anne Deslongchamps, which will be available soon.
I wish you all of your dreams come true,
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