Thursday, March 24, 2016

I am writing a book...

A note from the author
I spent the majority of my life going in and out of youth detention centers and adult prisons.  I was addicted to everything and anything that altered my mind including the self image I had of myself as trouble. I had never thought of myself as being anything else. That was my identity.

I had my first son at 16 years old and my second son by the time I was 18.   My first daughter was born when I was 28, my second daughter at 30 and my youngest daughter at 35.  They were all healthy, amazing babies. I loved them all so much but I hated myself so badly that I was not able to care for even myself, and I certainly was not able to give my children the upbringing they deserved.  Instead they were raised by my Mother, I have always been grateful that my children didn’t have to experience foster homes or youth detention centers.

From the time I was 18 years old I spent years feeding my addictions and trying to get rid of them at the same time, in all fairness I didn’t put up much of a fight, it was all I knew..   I finally realized that it wasn’t my addictions that were the problem, it was everything about me. My addictions we’re just signs of how I felt about myself inside. 

One day in 2003 while sitting in a federal penitentiary I started to ask myself some serious questions about me for the first time. Why did I always hurt the ones I loved so much?   Why did I make the choices I did? Why was I so out of control?  Will I ever change?  Is this how I am going to die?

With these questions came more questions that if desperately wanted answers to, I knew at that moment i had nowhere else to turn, I had to go inside myself to find out. Somehow i knew i was the only one who could answer them.  But, I didn't have a clue who I was, so out of curiosity I walked to the mirror, locked the door so I would not be interrupted, I looked myself in the eyes, I mean I really, really looked into my eyes, with tears streaming down my face, I said “ Hello” to myself for the first time in my life.  What I found was a little girl who seemed to of been patiently waiting for this moment all of her life.

I did not spend my life in a classroom studying addictions; I lived it, every day of my life for over 32 years. I started writing my life story (autobiography) in 2003.   Many hundreds of hours were spent trying to remember my upbringing so that I could understand what had happened to me and why I was living the way I did.   I knew back then that I was going to write a book, I knew the book would help thousands of people around the world.  I now see that it was simply not the right time for that to come together all those years ago.  I still had some experiences to go through before I arrived at the moment that was right.

One afternoon in February 2016 I was resting in bed, I heard a loud voice inside my head say "get up and write your book.”   I had not thought about my book in several years...  I tried to doze off again but I was awakened again, with the strong impulse to get up and start writing my story.  That moment on February 23rd 2016, I started from the beginning writing my life story.  Some days I passed 12 hours writing.   Today is March 24th 2016, a month and a day later; I have the first draft of my autobiography almost completed.  The days flew by effortlessly, my story just poured out onto the pages.  I just realized while writing that February 23rd 2014 was the last day that i used drugs.

I no longer give my past any power over my life today, my past no longer controls my present life.  I do not think I had the worst upbringing, I know many, many people who had it 100 times worse than I did... I am not writing this book with a feeling of self-pity.   Nor am I after your sympathy, I don’t need it. I don't see my past as a good or bad experience, it is just my past, a string of past experiences, that we're all necessary for me to reach the understanding i have today in the present moment.

Through time I have learn to understand my Mother.  I often followed in my father's footsteps along many paths.   Now I understand that if they would've known how to be better parents they would of.
 I needed to learn my lessons, in just the way I learned them, I now see that they were the perfect parents to help me on the journey of my life.   I understood that only after I had made some horrendous mistakes as a parent myself.  We made it through some hard times together.  I can honestly say My Mother is my best friend today; she has been the most amazing Mother to me.   We come from a long line of child abuse and neglect.   You can only give what you have to give. 

I don’t want to make this about me, cause to me it's not, this book is being written for every  parent who is struggling  inside themselves ( with whatever self made obstacles they have)  to become an amazing parent and for all the children who have to deal with us.

Today I have a house full of people I love and who love me only because I changed. I am blessed to be able to offer 4 of my 5 children a place to live, I am able to spend my days repairing the damage I did to them.  My youngest daughter is living in Quebec with her Father, we dream of the day she is able to join us again.  I am living out my dreams; I am taking care of myself and going the extra mile.  I don't just want to get through life clean and sober, I want to fulfill my dreams of helping other people struggling with their addictions, whether it's an addiction to low life thinking, poor self image, poverty, addiction to a personal identity that is stopping you from the greatness you are, or addictions to drugs and alcohol.  I lived what I lived so that I can help others through their addictions whatever they are.  I’ve experienced them all.

Change is not easy, most of us only dream about change, and even more have no idea what change even is.

So with that said i would like to introduce myself  to you through the reading of my story ,  An Autobiography of my life as I saw it...written by Tammy-anne Deslongchamps, which will be available soon.

I wish you all of your dreams come true,